Heroes from the Idiot Box
These are a few of my favorite 'lings.
(I will admit that using another generic photograph of the sunset on a post about TV show characters is objectively ridiculous, but I have an aesthetic to maintain, dammit.)
As this blog’s honeymoon phase is now, I suppose, in full swing, I wanted to publish another post today—keep the writing fever alive, you know? And while I have a tremendously lengthy Google Doc of more ‘serious’ ideas I would like to one day expand on, I find myself in a state of exhaustion, unable (or at least unwilling) to spew any more prolix ramblings into the digital ether. No; instead, I will blemish the pseudo-intellectual image I have built upon a total of two blog posts by typing up a listicle on television characters. If this costs me some scholarly favor, so be it—I wanna have fun, too! (How obvious is it that I am trying to mask my concern with feigned IDGAFitude?)
Though this may come as a staggering tidbit to some, I am actually not much of a TV watcher. That’s not because I’m super busy or productive—as much as I would like to claim such attributes—but because I’m actually too lazy. Yes, I am too apathetic to watch TV; no lower a pit in human productivity has been hitherto documented. Hear me out, though… watching TV is such a chore. Not only that, it’s an investment! Some of these popular shows I hear so much about have seasons over the double-digit mark—that’s a multi-hundred-hour time commitment! Such is the reason I have watched very few TV shows in my life; among the screenings that, if referenced, would fly right over my head include Sex and the City, Modern Family, How I Met Your Mother, Riverdale, Veep, Riverdale, How To Get Away With Murder, Gilmore Girls, Heartstopper, The Crown, Friends, Grey’s Anatomy, Law & Order, Stranger Things, and The Office. These are all shows that, somehow, everyone and their mother has seen and can recall, down to the timestamp of a specific episode, any piece of minutiae! While I could pretend watching these shows eventually is on my bucket list… if I’m being honest with myself, I never will. I’m more sparing; I pick up two TV shows a year to watch, specifically ones that stopped airing long ago, lest I fall into a vortex that eventuates in my viewing of S27E11 of a show that’s gone off the rails. Ten seasons maximum, thank you very much.
Now, my disavowal of binge-watching TV above betrays the fact that I am not immune to falling into some couch-potato activity myself. Indeed, I have watched my fair (meager) share of network and streaming television (actually just streaming). Most of the time, I don’t end up finishing said shows (my attention span is truly cooked) but, over the years, I can count with my fingers a total of ten shows that have allured me into an addictive rut. From this batch, I will detail my ten favorite characters—I’m not easy to grab onto when it comes to long-form media, but throw in a delightfully over-the-top persona and consider me hooked, I’m easy in that way. Beware of some spicy takes, too, as I have been told that the characters I like are insufferable; perhaps this says something about me.
DISCLAIMER: Some of the shows to which these characters belong are ones I have not finished in their entirety! Sorry, but sometimes I don’t need to see anything beyond Season 1 to make my judgments. (Leave me alone, I’m having fun.)
10. Hannah Baker, 13 Reasons Why
In tip-toeing fashion I will discuss Hannah Baker. A dizzying sense of confusion has likely washed over all those reading—“The girl who was dead the entirety of her show? In what way is she a likable character?” Well, although I am gay, Hannah Baker is the first topping on my ‘hear me out’ cake. Look, did she catch the bus? Yes. But how can we fault her for that? Now that I am speaking to a public audience and not a group of friends who are equally as tone-deaf as I am, I will speak delicately of Hannah’s death, but… obviously, it’s tragic how she went out but what I’m more interested in exploring are a) her infamous Reasons Why and b) her tapes.
A recurring joke I sometimes stumble across on Twitter goes along the lines of this: “Hannah Baker is cowardly AF! I have 29,476 reasons why and I’m still here!” Here’s an example. Are these jokes funny? Maybe (I’m not going down to this so early on in my blogging career…). But perhaps these commenters are missing a point. Yes, you are still here—congratulations. But suicide is not the coward’s way out! ’Tisn’t the right way out, no, but no one can say it doesn’t take guts. (Again, I’m not advocating for anything here….) Hannah Baker, really, is one of the strongest among us! #HannahBakerDeservedBetter, I’m starting the initiative now.
Another criticism I see levied on Hannah’s character is the maliciousness of the tapes she left behind. “If she wanted to quit, fine, but that doesn’t mean she gets to drag everyone else down with her—she’s already dead!” Did Hannah’s tapes forever haunt their subjects? Yes. Did the tapes put said subjects in a great deal of legal trouble? Also yes. Did they deserve it? “No,” I hear you say, “Hannah’s decision was of her own accord; it was not okay to pin the blame on her supposed tormentors.” To that, I call bullshit! Hannah’s tapes are merely diaristic; there’s nothing legally binding about them! In other words, her Reasons cannot be realistically held responsible, legally, for anything. If anything, Hannah is simply setting her own version of the story straight, she’s not letting her legacy be handled by those who don’t have her best interests at heart.
Now—full disclosure—I only watched the first season of 13 Reasons Why. I’ve heard that in later seasons, Hannah’s tapes are shown to be misleading in nature or not full in scope. Truthfully, I do not care. Unless there’s some grand, resurrection-related twist to which I haven’t been made privy, Hannah Baker is dead throughout the entire show and her season-one arc tells me all I need to know. If a friend betrayed me like Jessica Davis did, I, too, would be furious; if I was humiliated in the way she was by Justin Foley, I, too, would wallow in despair. #JusticeForHannahBaker.
9. Serena van der Woodsen, Gossip Girl
Crucify me if you must, okay, but I don’t think Serena is as unlikable as everyone makes her out to be. Have I only watched Season 1 of Gossip Girl? Maybe. I’ve heard she gets worse later on, but let me use this stand as a place to make the case for Serena.
Serena van der Woodsen is a homewrecker. She hooked up with her best friend’s then-boyfriend. Is that a crime? Well, yes, it’s a bit inexcusable and I struggle to defend my client in this particular avenue, but in the actual events of the show, she is a much kinder soul than Blair Waldorf is. Sorry, not sorry, but that’s my truth bomb. For one, Blair is also a cheater, so any sympathy given to her in that field is wiped, rendering the two on even playing ground. Who is Blair? She is manipulative, rude, and, to be blunt, a bit of a pain in the ass. Serena, for all her flaws, is kind-hearted, upfront, and well-meaning. Does she mess up? Yes. But she is apologetic and, most of all, genuine with her friends and partner in a way few people on this show are. She even endures the tragedy involving her brother with general grace and equanimity.
Personally, I think people just don’t like Blake Lively. Understandable, sure. But you must separate the portrayer from the portrayal in the way you would separate the art from the artist, I beg! No one is pretending My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy is a terrible album just because Kanye’s gone insane. Have mercy on Serena, please, please! I rest my case. Unfortunately, I am predicting that the jury that is my readers will rule against the defendant for the mere offense of being messy.
8. Betty Suarez, Ugly Betty
If I were America Ferrera, I would do something drastic—like, what do you mean my face is plastered on all promotional material for a show called Ugly Betty? Obviously, Ferrera knew what she was getting into when signing up for the show and, of course, the “ugly” lent from Ugly Betty is mostly due to the character’s makeup and styling, but, wow!
Violations aside, Betty is an extremely rootable character—at least I thought so until I browsed the alarmingly underpopulated r/UglyBetty and discovered she’s largely disliked, at least in that corner! At this point, I am convinced everybody is just trying to be different. There is genuinely no convincing argument as to why Betty is a “bad person.” She is given shit by everybody at Mode and has to practically take care of her entire family, too; she is constantly mocked and ridiculed yet approaches work with a smile and upbeat attitude; she works like a dog, day and night, and still faces unsympathetic adversaries and detractors at every step. Does she have moments where her patience slips and she bursts? Yes, but—geez!—let her have ’em, because everyone else in that show needs several slices of humble pie!
An honorable mention is in order for Wilhelmina Slater—where Betty is the pinnacle of reliability and rootability, Wilhelmina is the embodiment of theatrics and class. Is she a villainous no-goodnik? Yes, but, damn it, she worked for what she has! Let her be stunning, entertaining, and an occasional thespian. I refrained from placing her on the list, though, as I adore her mostly for the humor and drama she brings to the show—there’s no shortage of drama queens on this list (as you will come to see) and Betty provides some much-needed realism to this ranking.
7. Jessica Pearson, Suits
Diva alert! Jessica is the character who inspired me to make this post—mostly because I’ve fallen into a binge-watching Suits streak and needed an excuse to talk about the show. There are a lot of good characters on the show: Rachel Zane is fierce and bold, but those very traits hold her back at times. Harvey Specter is badass, suave, and possesses the most enviable collection of suits known to man; however, he can be arrogant on occasion. Jessica is the best of both worlds—she’s also probably the first character on this list who isn’t generally despised by their respective fandom.
Jessica will not let you forget that it is her name on that goddamn wall. In the world of corporate law where everyone is constantly trying to outplay, outsmart, and outmaneuver one another, she is always a dozen steps ahead, playing a game of five-dimensional chess while her inferiors play checkers; the way she plays her cards so decisively and intelligently is fascinating. Moreover, she doesn’t let her power and title obstruct her from being funny and compassionate when the situation calls for it. Plus, it doesn’t hurt that she has an immaculate sense of style and charisma.
Really, anyone who’s watched Suits can attest to Jessica’s superiority, I’m not trying to convince anyone here in the way I needed to for, say, Serena—ironically enough, considering the topic of the show.
6. Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek
The queen of film and television herself. Moira Rose’s character is written practically perfectly; not a single detail was spared when it came to developing perhaps TV’s most iconic prima donna. Everything from her ostentatious outfits to her one-of-a-kind way of speaking to her priceless collection of wigs is gold, and Catherine O’Hara spares no expense in what is arguably the performance of a lifetime. Each wacky mannerism is intentional, each off-kilter syllable deliberate. It’s almost awe-inspiring seeing how such an at-face ludicrous caricature comes to life via O’Hara.
Of all the characters in Schitt’s Creek’s six-season run (and, yes, I actually watched the whole thing—it’s that captivating of a show), Moira probably undergoes the least character development; in that regard, her husband and children are probably more believable, grounded characters. But the sheer comedic genius of Moira Rose overpowers any indiscretions I may hold towards that fact—her pronunciation of the word “baby” alone deserves accolades.
5. Amy Santiago, Brooklyn Nine-Nine
It took me awhile to come around to watching B99, but I can’t say I regret watching it (or at least the seasons available on Netflix). Brooklyn Nine-Nine boasts perhaps one of the most likable casts of modern television (I’m pulling that out of my ass ’cause I haven’t seen much of it)—there is not, in my opinion, a weak link in the squad. Terry and Boyle are endearing; Rosa is delightfully stoic; Jake is silly yet cool. The main other contenders for this spot were Gina and Captain Holt. Gina has the funniest one-liners in the show, bar none—“Not to brag, but I was namechecked in my kindergarten teacher’s suicide note” gets me every time—and is outrageously out of touch with her surroundings. Holt’s stoic disposition, meanwhile, belies one of the most endearingly, bizarrely nerdy minds in television, wrapped up in one of its most capable leaders. Amy, however, takes my personal cake by way of being both comical and relatable.
Amy is Extra in the most lovable way; each of her quirks adds so much to her character. Her rigid obsession with planning, as evidenced by her bounty of binders and her “Life Calendar” that hangs above her bed, is so exaggerated yet amusing; her nerdiness, seen through her memorization of Jupiter’s 90 moons and willingness to take the LSAT “for fun,” is both laughable and inspirational; her desire to impress her captain—to the point of offering to look after his dogs to which she was allergic—is also both insane and resonant. It’s easy to see why some—even characters in the show—find Amy to be overbearing or mockable, but the chord she strikes between an earnest go-getter and psycho-level perfectionist is tricky to hit—yet it’s done so brilliantly.
4. Tahani Al-Jamil, The Good Place
Tahani isn’t the most complex or layered character in the universe, but it’s impossible—at least for me—not to be charmed by a vain, rich woman with a British accent. (As one can see, my type tends to be dramatic… and also stylish.) Tahani manages to embody the apex of poise and grace while also always being one step away from going ballistic. Despite being supposedly close with every celebrity on the planet and raising $60 billion for charity, Tahani is somehow always outshone by her sister (who, I don’t know, made some bad albums and paintings, I guess). Though she’s meant—at least at first—to embody vanity itself, Tahani is always sympathetic, even when bemoaning some of the most pithy problems ever heard of. One cannot help but admire, though, that—even after throwing an occasional hissy-fit—she always picks herself back up and returns to work. Even if her work is party-planning, mostly.
3. Carlos Reyes, 9-1-1: Lone Star
As the first (and only) man on this list, Carlos Reyes does—admittedly—make his way on this list largely by virtue of being hot. There is more to it, though, trust me! Carlos is universally adored for being basically a perfect boyfriend—almost to a fault, it’s borderline unrealistic, some say, how flawless he is. But sue me for falling for that! He is the perfect partner. He’s also a diligent worker, a cutie patootie, a headstrong leader, and a kind-hearted soul. Take all that in tandem with a to-die-for gay love story wrapped up in a hot actor, and it’s a small wonder why he’s this high on this list. Perhaps he isn’t the most well-developed character—and Lone Star isn’t really the most well-developed show, in earnest—but this is about what he represents!
Honorary shoutouts go to both paramedic captains, Michelle and Tommy. Michelle is an entrancingly sweet-speaking, mysterious figure; Tommy is a competent, hard-working character who endures too much. What holds each of them back—aside from Carlos being the clearest frontrunner by miles—is that Michelle was present for only one season and Tommy’s actress, Gina Torres, occupies an earlier position in this list.
2. Violet Baudelaire, A Series of Unfortunate Events
A Series of Unfortunate Events was, perhaps, my first love—even before the Netflix series came out, I was captivated by the books. The mystery, the aesthetic, the writing style, the humor… it all felt so advanced and intellectual to me as a child. Of course, as an older child, I can see the flaws in the series: unbelievability, somewhat stale characters, repetition, slight condescension in tone. But the series will always hold a special place in my heart, and Netflix’s adaptation of Violet takes silver in this event because of it.
I’ve seen quite a bit of criticism towards Violet—especially in the Netflix iteration—and I am here to, again, defend my client in court. Since all the adults in ASOUE are mind-bogglingly incompetent, Violet is the closest any character comes to being a mature adult in the series. She is headstrong and tough in the face of adversity; she’s a STEM extraordinaire when it comes in clutch; she pioneered the emo aesthetic before emos existed (sorry, not sorry); she is a fierce older sister to her siblings. ’Tis a shame she hardly so much as cracks a smile throughout the series—she deserves better!
EDIT: It was criminal of me to neglect mentioning, as an honorable mention, the city’s sixth-most important financial advisor: Esmé Gigi Geniveve Squalor. In truth, I was drawn to her bombastic persona much more than Violet’s, even from a young age—Esmé’s dramatic flair obviously still speaks to me and was perhaps the kickstart to my love for the archetype as a whole, but Violet takes the edge for her impressive strength and morality in a show that’s all about strength and morality.
1. Rachel Berry, Glee
Those who know me IRL saw this coming. Those who don’t are probably crying out in outrage. (Or they saw my questionable selection of characters before her and figured such a controversial pick was inevitable.) Rachel Berry is, quite possibly, the most despised lead protagonist of all time—I’m hardly exaggerating, there are whole YouTube videos and pop-culture articles dedicated to the loathing of this character. And I am here to say… maybe you’re right. After all, of all the characters from Glee I could throne as my favorite, Sue, Santana, and Kurt were all right there! And yet I chose the spoiled brat herself? But maybe you misunderstand her.
I could go on for a long time defending Ms. Berry for the various crimes of which she has been accused—and I have done so, mostly on Twitter. Did she send an innocent child to a crackhouse? Sure, but it wasn’t an active crackhouse. Did she slap Santana across the face when she auditioned to be Rachel’s understudy in Funny Girl? Yes, but it was a long time coming. Did she tape her mouth shut in response to not getting a solo? Yes, but Heaven forbid women have hobbies.
Rachel, for as self-interested and cruel she can sometimes be, has a good heart—this is essential to her character throughout the show and I will die on that hill. The thesis of Glee is that she, as someone with the grandest dreams and biggest talent in a small town, overcomes the obstacles of ridicule and naysaying to become a big star. That, ultimately, is the point of the show and no character other than Rachel best exemplifies that arc—she is the main character for a reason. She’s overzealous, yes, but she’s also the hardest worker and biggest dreamer in that club; her protests for solos do go too far, especially at the expense of other genuine hopefuls like Kurt and Mercedes who have done no wrong against her, but I hardly fault her the way others do for her bitterness towards her former aggressors that are Quinn and Santana.
Also commonly said of Rachel is that she is a selfish, conditional friend. This is, at times, true. She can prioritize her success above others’ feelings. One area in which she goes above and beyond, in my opinion, is her ability to smooth over rough patches. Her friendships with Kurt and Santana, though ones in which she occasionally exhibits selfishness, are also ones that wouldn’t exist had Rachel not noticed the feeling of loneliness they had that she once felt herself. Her zaniness and overprotectiveness towards Finn, meanwhile, comes from a natural insecurity that he, in part, instilled—or at least exacerbated—within her.
Two points I will grant against Rachel are that a) opportunities are oftentimes inexplicably given to her (say, NYADA and Broadway) and b) her writing is very inconsistent, especially in the later seasons—she has to learn the same lessons again and again which can be exhausting.
If I knew Rachel Berry in real life, there’s a good chance I would hate her guts. In fact, her portrayer, Lea Michele, famously is Rachel Berry in real life—and I do hate her guts. As a character, though, I respect and relate to her drive, sensitivity, and intentions.
Okay. I’ve spent too much of my time talking about fictional characters when I should have perhaps been doing my Literature work or exercising or touching grass. Fear not, though, if you miss my more pretentious ramblings—on queue for this blog are posts about (coincidentally) productivity, maintaining one’s reputation, and the nitty-gritty of romantic relationships.
rachel berry can rot